3rd Team Squad
Age: 42
Position: Centre Back
Strengths - leadership / social attendance / goalkeeping
Weaknesses - hair growth / the sun / dodgy knee / tight kits / penalties
It has been said (and only by Danny) he would have made it as a pro if his knee wasn't so sore.
Age: 2024
Position: Right Back
Strengths - energy / pace / possesses the ability to blow up the world
Weaknesses - haircut / brother-in-law / attendance / the USA
Died and came back to life in the Hangover Part II.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - touch / finishing
Weaknesses - language barrier
Genuinely loves Kiwi fruits.
Age: 44
Position: Striker
Strengths - touch / poacher / seal-like skin
Weaknesses - Fray Bentos pies / running / penalties
In the 2014/15 season Lewis scored against every single team in the division to finish as the league's 2nd top goalscorer, one goal ahead of new Swan Mickey Neatherway.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - versatility / carrying the whip / swimming on inflatable Swans
Weaknesses - sense of direction / time keeping / the Yard / not being Liam
During the Portugal Tour of 2019 a search party was sent out for Kieran after he got lost whilst performing the rather straightforward challenge of running a lap of the hotel.
Age: 2024
Position: Goalkeeper
Strengths - beer / shot stopping / organising pre-season friendlies / penalties
Weaknesses - delusional forward play / diving to his left / goal-scoring / fitness
Not exactly a striking resemblence due to lack of teeth and sunkissed skin, Batch's haircut in his bio pic is supposed to match that of the real Ronaldo during the 2002 World Cup. If anything he looks more like Dida.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Back
Strengths - heading / being northern
Weaknesses - pig / pace
Baylis once worked on the oil rigs.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Back
Strengths - length in the shower / great beard / no nonsense defending
Weaknesses - unnecessary fouls / the “Joey Fine”/ anger management / tight kits
Had a spell as 1st team goalkeeper during the 2011/12 season and made zero saves with his hands, yet still has more saves to his name for the fronts than Jonesy.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Back
Strengths - aerial ability / ageless / not afraid to buy a round
Weaknesses - anger management / penalties / potential son-in-law
Has fully embraced the family feel of the club by allowing 1st team prospect Jamie Wilkes to date his youngest daughter, let's just hope they stay together as it'll be awkward reading this back at the end of season if they're not.
Age: 2024
Position: Goalkeeper
Strengths - bloodline / kicking / shot stopping
Weaknesses - living up to family standards / can’t buy a round / crosses
Leigh had a short-lived spell as an emergency striker last season, and let's just say the next time the 3rds are short and two goalkeepers are available Jonesy will be playing upfront.
Age: 2024
Position: Goalkeeper
Strengths - baking / match reports / photoshop / kit washing / brunch
Weaknesses - catching / kicking / under-shirts
Nick made his 1st team debut in April 2019 versus AFC Ringmer and conceded 3 goals despite only facing 2 shots. He was given a chance to redeem himself as an injury time sub in the next 1s game versus Willingdon and was lobbed from 50 yards, luckily for him the ref had already blown his whistle and luckily for Lindfield Paolo was fit for the next game.
Age: 2024
Position: Right Back
Strengths - long throw / engine / one-on-one defending
Weaknesses - bouncing balls / the sun / left foot
Former 3rd team manager Danny Hoyle was particularly keen to get Tom onboard at the start of last season as he was a clear candidate to take over as lead ginger in the side. Not only is he ginger Danny, he has hair!
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Back
Strengths - composure / banter / spitting
Weaknesses - being sub/subbed / Spies’ penis
Amir is something of a fashion guru amongst the otherwise style-obsolete 3rds, and he refuses to train unless wearing a sexy gym vest.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Back
Strengths - long throw / karaoke / golf
Weaknesses - delusion / drinking / goal-scoring
Once applied and went through the initial stages of auditions for the X Factor, how did it go Stu?
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - fitness / vision / warm-ups
Weaknesses - looking like Cummo / too nice
Fish became something of YouTube sensation in 2018 with an impressive Greatest Showman Mob Dance proposal to his girlfriend in Churchill Square. FYI - she said yes! With nearly 3.5 million views and counting we would post a link if we weren't afraid it would break the website.
Age: 2024
Position: Right Mid
Strengths - pace / finishing / winding up opposition full backs
Weaknesses - squealing / screaming / Brighton season ticket
During one of his daily scrolls through the old mitoo website, Alex Ternouth recently re-lived a fantastic Chaz memory as he was reminded that during the 2009/10 a young Charlie Mayne scored in a 2-1 win over Eastbourne Borough 3s which effectively sealed the MSFL Prem title.
Age: 2024
Position: Right Mid
Strengths - skill / pace / finishing
Weaknesses - strength / milk / birds
Whilst there was nothing sinister regarding the sourcing of Reece's bio pic via Facebook, the rest of the images on his profile were of him as a schoolchild. Saying that this is probably a prom pic.
Age: 2024
Position: Right Back
Strengths - long throw / versatility / set-pieces
Weaknesses - every muscle in his body / went to Warden Park
It might just be an old wives tale, but legend has it that in his younger years Mikey climbed the highest tree in Cuckfield.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - passing range / quick feet / banter
Weaknesses - beer / cricket / injuries
This piece of information has only just come to light but Ross claims to have never been nutmegged.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - passing / reading the game / looking after stuffed animals
Weaknesses - Friday night boozing / longer list of clubs than Trevor Benjamin (Google him)
According to social media our man loves deckchairs and supports Arsenal.
Age: 2024
Position: Striker
Strengths - quick feet / pace / goalscoring
Weaknesses - ex-Cuckfield Rangers / will probably dual-sign
Benched for Cuckfield Rangers in the 2014/15 Stratford Cup final versus Lindfield III and could only watch on with a glum face as the Swans lifted the trophy. Also outscored by Lewis Turpin in the same season.
Age: 2024
Position: Striker
Strengths - pace / hair quantity / jaw line
Weaknesses - accepting hes a full-back / boozing / height / ball control / penalties
You may have heard that Pinnock was on the books at Chelsea as a youngster, but when Roman Abramovich took over he was released along with Ed De Goey, Graeme Le Saux and Jody Morris.
Age: 2024
Position: Left Back
Strengths - filmmaking / knowing the weaknesses of others / gracefully accepting of not making cup final squads
Weaknesses - throw-ins / the offside trap / playing against anyone fast
Away from football Davie enjoys filmmaking, producing and starring in his masterpiece, "One Night in Blackpool" in 2015. He is also a regular contributor to V2 Podcast, giving his views on football and wrestling.
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - fitness / goalkeeping / loud noises / trying to steal other people's girlfriends
Weaknesses - CB, RB, LB, CM, RM, LM, ST
Reece is also Player/Manager for Hassocks Fatboys Reserves on Sundays and has been credited with developing Nick Davie into the 1st team player he is today.
Age: 2024
Position: Striker
Strengths - touch, composure, coming back from injuries
Weaknesses - borderline silver fox, getting injured all the time
Kenward is married to gaffer Stuart Ridley's sister, but plays upfront every week on merit....
Age: 2024
Position: Centre Mid
Strengths - strength / dressing room banter / alcohol consumption
Weaknesses - natural ability / hair colour / temper
Like fellow Toon supporter Stu Ridley does not speak with a Geordie accent despite supporting Newcastle. Brought up when Shearer was good perhaps?